From the files of : THE HUMAN RACE by BOOTS LeBARON

 A LION STUDIES WILDLIFE AT STARBUCKS’ WATERING HOLE.  Clean shaven and reeking of Eternity, the old lion sat alone licking his chops and sipping coffee at Starbucks in the early morning.  As he scribbled thoughts on a notepad he studied a parade of creatures waiting in line for fresh-brewed concoctions.

     For weeks he had perched hungrily watching a variety of scrumptious  smorsels slurping dark liquid on the stage of life.  It was a jungle better than Broadway.  Where else can one observe and even chat with such an entertaining cast of characters — asking questions that only a scraggly old beast like me who’s focused on his prey could get away with.

     Take a look:

An unemployed gorilla (actor) with a debilitating hangover sipping decaf delight.

A gregarious old rooster whose wealth, despite his vanity, attracts a handful of clucking young chickies.

A beaky young vulture who’s always dressed in a blue suit and tie.  Where’s he going?  To work at the mortuary.

An award-winning body surfer who’d rather ride the waves than be the aerospace engineer that pays for his surfing expeditions.

A belligerent homeless hyena who grabs the discarded newspapers, then exits Starbucks to find his own solitude.

A soft-spoken well-groomed spotted leopard who religiously reads the sports pages, turns out to be a racist.

An antelope ex-convict who calls himself “The Poet” and survive

eight years doing hard time in three state zoos.

A powerful rhino (Los Angeles County deputy district attorney) who has successfully prosecuted and won more than 100 murderer cases, proudly sending three men to Death Row.

A striking gazelle (blonde female banker) who’s tired of being hit on.

A raccoon (physicist) who reached middle age before he told his mother, who raised him as a single parent, of his childhood crime.  He hated liver.  Whenever she served it for dinner, he’d pocket it.       An eagle (entrepreneur from Indiana) who almost 20 years ago maxed out a credit card to start a pharmaceutical head hunter business that now has offices nationwide.

An ostrich (buxom young female, bellybutton exposed), is poured into a clinging blouse, mini skirt, with shapely legs stretching into spiked shoes.    She’s looking for work.

An army officer dressed in camouflage fatigues and combat boots who has fought his share of wars in the Middle East.

A couple of friendly pandas (English-speaking Taiwanese) who came to America 30 years ago.  They diligently read the Chinese Daily News printed in their native language and discuss the editorials in their native Mandarin.

A chimpanzee (ironworker) who blows about an ongoing love affair he’s having with the woman who happens to be the mother of his children.

A porcupine (homeless young woman) sits on the bricks outside Starbucks.  Her face is dirty.  Her features are classic.

A friendly and squirrely orangutan in her mid-80s who blesses every person she comes in contact with and claims one night she actually spoke to God.

A Hollywood gorilla (stuntman) who had injured his back when the car he was driving in a film crashed.  Despite the pain, he works through it.

What a parade fascinating creatures.

What a world.

What a life.

What a collection of morsels.

Too bad I’ve already had breakfast.

— Boots LeBaron —