ATTN. FUTURE GROOMS: NEVER MARRY THESE WOMEN!
THE HUMAN RACE
HEY, GUYS… IS IT TIME TO TIE THE KNOT?
Never marry a woman who plays the flute
and raises cobras for the hell of it.
Never marry a woman who refuses
to play catch with you.
Never marry a woman whose ex-husbands are muscle-
bound cage fighters or NFL defensive linemen.
Never marry a woman who believes that
motherhood must come with a nanny.
Never marry a woman who expects 3-karats,
new wheels and a Visa card before nuptials.
Never marry a woman who continually
beats you at checkers.
Never marry a woman who’s
mesmerized by her beauty.
Never marry a woman who’s been widowed
three times and is under indictment for ADW.
Never marry a woman who constantly
fusses with her ankle-length hair.
Never marry a woman whose mother prefers
nothing less than a kiss-ass son-in-law.
Never marry a woman who doubles down with a pair
of sevens while the blackjack dealer’s showing a King.
Never marry a woman who’s repulsed at
the thought of changing diapers.
Never marry a woman with thick chest hairs
who can bench press three-hundred pounds.
Never marry a woman who’s bent on turning
you into her mealy-mouthed daddy’s clone.
Never marry a woman who spends more than
three-hours a week at the beauty parlor.
Never marry a woman whose father expects
you to take over his house-plumbing chores.
Never marry a woman who downs a vodka
Martini for an eye-opener every morning.
Never marry a woman whose eyeteeth grow
into fangs when the moon rises.
Never marry a woman who relishes her job
as bouncer at a saloon for longshoremen.
Never marry a woman who cackles and
flies on a broomstick.
— Boots LeBaron —
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