LOOK TO THE STARS TO HEAL YOUR PERSONAL SOAP-OPERA
THE HUMAN RACE
ASTROLOGICAL FORECASTS YOU WON’T FIND IN
THE journal SCIENCE OR ON TV’S BREAKING NEWS:
Aquarius: Today you will bring tears
to the eyes of those you are close to.
Take a mint. You have halitosis.
Aries: To fill the emptiness in your
life, buy or adopt a dog. It will give
you what humans aren’t capable of: True
love, absolute trust and a sloppy lick.
Pisces: As a senior citizen, beware
of a sudden change in the attitude
of your adult children. They are
turning into your parents.
Taurus: Tonight, your best cure for insomnia
is to make love to your sex-deprived mate.
As the aligned planets declare: Don’t
procrastinate, you’ll rise up to the challenge!
Gemini: If you’re suffering with a
four-hour Viagra erection, don’t call
your physician. Planets are affirming
that today you’re blessed with the op-
portunity to satisfy the needs of many.
Cancer: Especially today, don’t fall
in love with yourself. You’re not
worth it.
Leo: Now is the opportune time to
take credit for the marketing ideas
created by your assistant.
Virgo: You can’t afford to become enraged
at the man who’s having an affair with
your wife. He’s your employer!
Libra: For the sake of sanity, don’t ask your
secretary to bring you coffee, lie to your
wife or take his laundry to the dry cleaners.
She knows you for what you are:
A CHAUVINISTIC HORSE’S ASS!
Scorpio: Warning to passionate lovers.
In the heat of the night, don’t forget to
turn off the electric blanket.
Sagittarius: Stay calm when you take your written
driver’s exam. If you sweat, the ink on your palms
will smear ruining your chances to pass the test.
Capricorn: Thanksgiving, Christmas and Hanukkah
revellers, brace for a hurricane during the holiday season!
You’re mother-in-law’s coming to town! She was
the out-spoken one who felt you weren’t good enough
to marry her child. So when the doorbell chimes, be
forewarned. It ain’t gonna be Santa.
— Boots LeBaron —
http://www.amazon.com/The-Human-Race-Boots-LeBaron/dp/1494218526