Posts Tagged ‘ MANLINESS ’

ATTN FUTURE BRIDES: NEVER MARRY THESE MEN!

THE HUMAN RACE

NEVER MARRY THESE MEN

 

Never marry a man who drives a Mercedes,

wears a Rolex and lives in a hovel.

Never marry a man whose work tools include

a blackjack, a .38 Special and a silencer.

Never marry a man who allows his nostril

hairs to grow long enough to braid.

Never marry a dude who sees Viagra’s four

hour erection warning as a manly frivolity.

Never marry a man who insists on selecting

your bridesmaids from a Victoria’s Secret catalog.

Never marry a NRA enthusiast whose

favorite sport is fortune hunting.

Never marry a man who’s obsessed

with your bank account and his profile.

Never marry a man who asks you to

strip at his bachelor party.

Never marry a man who’s an alcoholic

posing as a workaholic.

Never marry a man who proposes as

you’re pole-dancing at Bada-Bing Bada-Boom.

Never marry a man who has the names of

five ex-lovers tattooed on his buttocks.

Never marry a man who blows his nose on

your grandma’s embroidered dinner napkin.

Never marry a man who twits a close-up

of his crotch on the Internet.

Never marry a man you catch

peddling your thongs on eBay.

Never marry a man who’d rather watch

a Star Trek rerun than you in a nightie.

Never marry a man whose last wife took

him for everything but an empty jewelry box.

Never marry a man who thinks he’s

too masculine to clean the toilet bowl.

Never marry a man who sees a girl’s

night out as a shameless act of feminism.

Never marry a man who goes for a Hickey while

   standing in line at the supermarket.    

Never marry a bank robber unless you

can drive the getaway car.

 

— Boots LeBaron

THANKS TO MOM, THERE’S A ‘HAPPY FATHER’S DAY’

THE HUMAN RACE

DADS WILL NEVER KNOW THE FEEL OF IT

 

Mommy, mommy

soon to be,

oh such fun

is pregnancy.

It takes nine months

to meet fruition.

That’s when daddy

lacks intuition.

When he watches

mom deliver,

chances are his

lips will quiver.

If men could feel

what labor’s like,

quick as a wink

they’d take a hike.

Carrying life for

all those months,

isn’t the same as

having mumps.

Experiencing life

inside the womb

is one ordeal he

can’t presume.

When breasts expand

with life’s nectar,

guys go stupid with

this conjecture:

Giving birth’s

like passing plumbs,

one painful roar

and out it comes.

So for all your dads

out there (including me),

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

 

Boots LeBaron

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