ATTN FUTURE BRIDES: NEVER MARRY THESE MEN!
THE HUMAN RACE
NEVER MARRY THESE MEN
Never marry a man who drives a Mercedes,
wears a Rolex and lives in a hovel.
Never marry a man whose work tools include
a blackjack, a .38 Special and a silencer.
Never marry a man who allows his nostril
hairs to grow long enough to braid.
Never marry a dude who sees Viagra’s four
hour erection warning as a manly frivolity.
Never marry a man who insists on selecting
your bridesmaids from a Victoria’s Secret catalog.
Never marry a NRA enthusiast whose
favorite sport is fortune hunting.
Never marry a man who’s obsessed
with your bank account and his profile.
Never marry a man who asks you to
strip at his bachelor party.
Never marry a man who’s an alcoholic
posing as a workaholic.
Never marry a man who proposes as
you’re pole-dancing at Bada-Bing Bada-Boom.
Never marry a man who has the names of
five ex-lovers tattooed on his buttocks.
Never marry a man who blows his nose on
your grandma’s embroidered dinner napkin.
Never marry a man who twits a close-up
of his crotch on the Internet.
Never marry a man you catch
peddling your thongs on eBay.
Never marry a man who’d rather watch
a Star Trek rerun than you in a nightie.
Never marry a man whose last wife took
him for everything but an empty jewelry box.
Never marry a man who thinks he’s
too masculine to clean the toilet bowl.
Never marry a man who sees a girl’s
night out as a shameless act of feminism.
Never marry a man who goes for a Hickey while
standing in line at the supermarket.
Never marry a bank robber unless you
can drive the getaway car.
— Boots LeBaron —
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